Engrish at Its finest - High-performance moisture permeability sweat in bringing good feelings.

So I was ordering a cycling jersey today, partly inspired by the 100th edition of the Tour de France, and partly by the fact that I need a new jersey and have a way to pick up one if I order it now.

I stumbled upon some interesting jerseys on Amazon and eventually ordered this Garmin one. 

As I was comparing and contrasting, I noticed that there was some pretty humorous "Engrish", in fact some of the best I had seen in YEARS. Remember, I used to be an ESL teacher and collected "Germs of Eloquence". I also studied translation theory, so I know a thing or two about bad english, computer translation and the like.

Here goes (quoted text in purple and italics):
First off, you should consider buying one of these jerseys "As a gift for their health, such as Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Friendship, Father / Mother's Day, etc." 

In other words, "Nothing says Happy Mother's day better than a cycling jersey."
Product Description:
Cycling Coat features: the 100% polyester grid cloth, has the impact resistance of strong, good flexibility ,well wear resistance characteristic. 

Grid cloth - you mean like with intersecting threads?? WOW!
Details: the close-fitting side of the code use superfine fiber, can quickly lead wet sweat, three dimensional structure and innovative design, increase the sweat of evaporative cooler area, all off metal zipper, lathe work fine. 

• Now wait a second. This is going to "lead wet sweat" and "increase the sweat of evaporative cooler area". And this is a good thing?
• And it's three-Dimensional? No more 2-D clothing for me. Talk about freeing up movement.
• Lathe work? On fabric?

I have to say my favorite feature of the Garmin Jersey is the bottom seams and the rear pockets described as: "Hem bunch of mouth design, avoid when bent down clothes, anarchy for three standard store content bag on the back."

Sometimes it CAN be difficult to get things out of the three rear pockets when cycling but i wouldn't call it anarchy.  Though I am dreading the day I happen to be wearing "bent down clothes" with this jersey. It sounds like the consequences might be dire.

 

BMC Red Jersey

BMC black jersey

 These two BMC Jerseys each claim that their "Coolmax pad is completely attached to the skin without displacement". Wait! I'm not sure I want clothes that are completely attached to my skin. 

No really. It's a good thing: 
"Cushion Introduction:
cushion is made of absorbent,breathable and light backing strap of CoolMax. It can completely attach to the skin, so as to reduce the burden of arms"
Do you ever find YOUR arms to be a burden? Well, no more.

But just when you might be warming to the idea of clothing that  attached to the skin, they reassure you: "Even you're sweaty, the Jersey never adhere to your skin, quick-dry function and make you feel more comfortable."

The Sky jersey pictured at the right advertises
"Three-quarters of invisible zippers design. Elastic joint body curve, further reducing the wind resistance."
Ooooh! Invisible Zippers and Elastic Joint Body Curves. Are we talking about a Jersey or a sports car?

Very light is extremely thin, reduce weight. High-performance moisture permeability sweat in bringing good feelings.
Yeah, Baby.  That's what I'm talking 'bout.
Nothing brings good feelings more than "high performance moisture" and "sweat that permeates".

Ready to Order?

• Please be sure to refer to our size chart as shown in onion parody"

(Let's take a break from this advertisement with a good old fashioned Onion Pardody. You'll laugh so hard you'll cry.

My only guess at what this might mean is "thumbnail", as they had a small thumbnail pic that expanded to show the size chart.)

• If relatively Tall and Strong(megeoma), advise to Choose a large than the normal size.