Same, Same. . . . .But Different

A few weeks ago someone asked me what it was like to live somewhere where I blended in. After 21 years in Africa, now living in Germany, it's a good question. 

SAME, SAME
That got me to thinking. Up until I was eight, I lived in my home culture. A perfect one-to-one match where I was indistinguishable from those around me, both in the way I looked and the way I understood the world. 

Then my family moved overseas and we lived in various countries in the Middle East from 1973 to 1979. I also had a a year of boarding school in Ethiopia (5th grade) and India (9th grade). 

DIFFERENT
One of my memories from that time was going shopping in the big open market. I always knew I could find my parents easily because they really stood out from everyone else. And of course, I stood out as well. If I got lost, everyone would know who my parents were. 
Not so, when we came back to the US. There it was easy to lose your mom at the supermarket. 

When I was 30, I moved to Africa and lived there for 21 years, mostly in Mali.  
I stood out. Everywhere I went, children (but also adults) would remind me of the fact - in case I forgot - by yelling out Toubabou or better yet, "Toubabou, Toubabou! Toubabou de Toubabou". 

[Toubab is a word used across West Africa, but also seen as far away as India. One etymology is that it comes from the Arabic word Tabib, meaning doctor. In any case, it is used to refer to people of European descent, but does not actually include any element that refers to the color white] 

Having your differentness yelled out everywhere you went certainly DID get old. 

Now, if you live anywhere long enough, you can do things that move you from the camp of outsider to being an insider" 

• Learning the language goes a long way, especially when that language is NOT a language of power but a minority one. (See Language Learning and the Incarnation) 
• Wearing clothing that is appropriate to the context, including things in the local style. NOT wearing clothing that is deemed inappropriate. 
• Eating local food (and not gagging). 
• Taking a local name. This was important in Mali where I took on the name "Dawuda Tunkara" which opened doors to a specific language group. And allowed me to enter into all sorts of games and joking. Tunkara identified me as a "griot", a member of the minstrel/bard class who sing the praises of nobility, warriors, etc. 

• Oh how the Malians loved it when they told me, "If you're a Tunkara, you must be a djeli (griot)." And then I responded by asking them their name and singing a funny song about all the Coulibalys eating beans. The icing on the cake was asking them to give me a dollar afterwards. 

But even if you do all these things, you're still an outsider and will always do things that are funny, strange or even offensive without knowing it. I learned to not be too upset by it all. Try your best and realize you're always going to be something of an oddity. 

In Mali our status of Toubabou came with a level of deference, respect and preferential treatment which was automatic and not earned, and usually made me feel uncomfortable. There's no reason to let me go first when paying my electric bill, for example. Or to make me come up and sit at the front of church. 

I've been in other countries where I stood out and was not always received as kindly. I gone exploring on my bike and ended up in neighborhoods and had people tell me to go back to my part of town. 
I've had people get upset because they were sure I was taking their picture, when in reality I was checking my GPS map to figure out how to get back home. 

SAME, SAME but DIFFERENT* 

Same Same but Different is a very popular "T-shirt Meme" in Thailand

So this brings me to the summer of 2016 when I moved to Germany.  There's no doubt about it - I certainly blend in. I can go anywhere and people do not KNOW that I don't belong. As long as I don't open my mouth. Then they know I'm not German. 

But even when walking the streets, shopping, or attending events, you always have the nagging feeling that at any moment you might DO something that reveals that you are an outsider, that you have no place and then the gig will be up: 

• show up at the church potluck without your own plate, silverware and drink. 
• take forever at the kiosk where you buy bus tickets because you have no clue how it works. 
• cut your cheese with the wrong knife

Of course, people are generally very understanding, especially when they figure out you're a foreigner - but that depends on where you are from (sadly). 

SAME, SAME but DIFFERENT 2.0

These thoughts originally grew out of some facebook interactions. At the time one of my friends also pointed out that she felt this same fear of being discovered as a pretender when she returns to the US after 20+ years overseas. 

Sadly this is very true. After you do your time overseas, you head home and think you'll finally be able to blend in. Once someone takes you shopping for clothes that are in style, you can look the part, and sound the part in normal conversation. 

But then you go to a party or Sunday School class and realize that you really can't relate to the casual talk that is going on. You may not even know WHO or WHAT they are talking about. And the things you have to contribute are so foreign that most of the time you don't share them.  

Strangely you end up not fitting in either in your host country, or your own country. You become truly a "Third Culture" person. You only find yourself fitting in with other cross-cultural workers. And oddly enough, they don't even need to have served in the same area of the world you have. 

Recently, I talked with a Third-Culture Kid who is now back in his home country as a young adult. He said that even though he LOOKS and TALKS and SOUNDS like those around him, he does not FEEL like one. 

Same Same . . . . but Different.