Forever Marked - By Terror, By Grace, By Community

I wrote this about a month ago for our organization's internal "Community of Grace" blog. 
At the time I meant to post it here as well, but forgot. 

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March 13, 2016 was a day that forever marked me. 

I was enjoying a day off at the beach in Grand Bassam, Côte d’Ivoire with two SIL colleagues when terrorists attacked suddenly, killing 19 over the next few hours. We took refuge in an unfinished hotel room, eventually hiding up on top of a wall. Heavy gunfire rang out constantly for over two hours. Within 50 meters of our hiding place, twelve people lost their lives in the final battle on the beach: 8 civilians, 2 Ivorian Soldiers, and 2 terrorists.

After soldiers rescued us, we made our way back to our center. Frankly, I hadn’t been sure if we’d stay up on the wall all night, or if the terrorists would find us and we’d be home with Jesus that night.

Within hours, the photo at right showed up across the internet and on newscasts around the world.

Then began the long process of healing. In my journal that first week, I wrote that I could not see around this thing that happened to me and wondered to myself if I would ever return fully to life again.

I was in a haze the first few days. On the 5th day, I finally cried - deep sobs.

There were wonderful acts of community to carry me towards healing.

• I told the story to many in person and wrote it up and sent it to close friends by email.
• I skyped family and close friends. They were unsure of how to respond and even process what I was telling them but they listened. 
• Meals were provided.
• The first morning I texted our local advisory committee to say there was no way we could have our meeting that night because I’d been in the attacks. A dear Ivorian sister on the committee dropped everything and drove through heavy traffic to come and pray with me. 
• Work obligations were lifted. As acting director awaiting a replacement in a few weeks, I couldn’t just leave, but was told to work only half days. They also decided that I should NOT go speak at the Bible dedication that week, which was a HUGE burden lifted, though disappointing as well). 

Marked in the "Egg Ceremony"

• Special symbols to mark the occasion. On the 5th day, the Ngwala language committee called me up to their workshop for a special “Egg Ceremony” along with the 2 other victims. They gave us each a boiled egg, to peel and eat right there, but first we were to take a bit of the yolk and mark our forwards, to show that we are forever marked by this experience. The egg itself represented the new life we had been given. The Ngwala do this type of ceremony to mark all near death experiences. We found it it so significant, that each year on the anniversary, we boil eggs and eat them and I light some egg-shaped candles I found.  
• The couple that experienced the attack with me returned home to Germany after 2 weeks. We were already friends, but I was bound together with their family through this event. We check in with each other through the years and on anniversaries. 
• Scripture took on new meaning, especially the imprecatory Psalms. Someone shared Psalm 124 the first week and it became OUR Psalm, as if it had been written just for us. 

I returned home to Cameroon after 3 weeks, thinking that a week off there would be enough to get back to normal. Little did I know that would take several months, and healing would continue over several years. 

Back in Cameroon what I needed most was to tell my story to people. 

• My journal has a list of 10 people I told the story to that week. 
• I didn’t need for them to say anything, just listen as I processed and offer presence. Not everyone could do that, but I was grateful for those who did. 
• I didn’t need them to make sense of what happened for me. I was already grappling with God about that. One well-intentioned person I hardly knew offered that “God must have had a purpose for it”. I really did not need to hear that right then and thankfully a close friend told me to just ignore it. 
• That being said, God did use this experience to allow me to be sensitive to others who’ve experienced trauma and minister to them, but that took time. Two years later on my furlough, I found myself meeting with groups and individuals and sharing the story with them, how God had met me and brought healing. It became an open door to connect with them and open up about their own trials in a way I doubt I’ll ever see again. 

Back at work, I still needed grace

One month after the attacks, I found I could finally work a full day and was okay carrying out simple tasks. But larger tasks overwhelmed me.

At the 2-month mark, I was at our International Conference, sitting in the french interpretation booth. I broke down sobbing while translating someone’s testimony and had to pass the mic to the other interpreter. Thankfully, it was someone who had gone through much trauma of her own and she understood perfectly. 
 

Interpreting into French at our International Conference

After that conference , I moved to Germany and that was a way for God to bring me to a “spacious place”, green and quiet and calm. 

An odd feature I have found going to a new place is that no one knows that I experienced this. I found eventually that with new people, I had to evaluate if they were going to be important in my life, and if so, I’d need to share this with them at some point. I joined a small-group Bible study and it comes up. It’s a terribly awkward sort of “oversharing”, but needs to be done if you’re going to go deep with people. And other times, it’s just not worth it. 

It’s also helpful for friends to know to what my triggers are so they can help me navigate them. For example, on New Year’s Eve we might be enjoying the fireworks, and then suddenly I need to go inside and be away from it all.  

God has continued to bring healing and after 1 year, I thought I had gotten past this. At around the 18-month mark, my team went on a retreat. The first day in a half-day alone, God met me there in a unique way. He helped me work through the feelings I had about the event. (Described here in my personal blog). That evening our team met back together to share the day’s events and I shared it all. It was good to be a safe place where there was grace and understanding and freedom to share. 

I’m truly grateful for the communities of grace that God has put me in to bring healing. Thanks to all of you who are part of those!